I got accepted into my program before I knew we were about to have a baby. I chose to keep going so I could help provide a better life for our family. First of all being pregnant in the summer while walking up hills, stinks! I felt like a watermelon on toothpics walking in peanut butter. I mean I was 7 months and still walking to classes, everyone passed me even turtles ( ok, I might be exaggerating it there, but still). People tell you how much you will love being a mom and fall in love with your newborn. I didn't quite understand that concept until I held her in my arms, until the love I feel for this little person,wanted to burst out of my chest. This little tiny person has my whole world. I remember crying for 3 weeks straight, because I knew that after 3 weeks I had no choice but go and do my student teaching, and leave my precious baby in someone else's care. How could I leave such a small little person, she needed me, I needed her.
But for the past 12 weeks I have gotten up everyday at 6 am leaving the house by 6:40, running on no sleep to drop the baby off and go teach. I still have two more weeks left, until I can devote myself to this tiny person who needs me, though she's now 3 months. I am on spring break, and I have so enjoyed sleeping in, cuddling her and giving her kisses until she can't stand it anymore. It is crazy, that I thought I would love teaching. I'm a huge health and wellness advocate, so to teach what I love felt great. Now I am at this point where, I love to teach and be a mom. I have never had the personality of being still, or staying home. I am the kind of person that likes to learn, and do and wants to do everything. I love life! I have been praying and battling with myself on whether I want to stay home or work. I know that I could apply part time, but there will be no use, as that part time money will just cover a baby sitter, not even money to pay off bills. My husband has been great and is supportive in which I ever I chose. I am so aware that the world and opportunity for women have changed and that there's a stigma that has changed about stay home moms, work moms, and etc. I don't want to get jumbled up in that, I want to do what's right for our family. I have always been a person who works to contribute, I cleaned houses at 12, and baby sat to earn money. I have always worked as soon as I could. I don't know how not to work. I mean the reason I went back to school so I could provide a better future for our family, I could help with living expenses. If I stay home I need a hobby that could bring some type of income, I just hate feeling helpless. Especially when I have the student loan for going back to school. I'm just caught in the middle. But then as this weeks ends and I look at my precious angel, I can't imagine not being there to hear her first words, see her first walk, soothe her cries and wants and give her my whole world.
As I stand in front of the class, how can I not teach about health, and instill what it means to care and love for our bodies through our choices. Our family goal is to pay off my student loans, and any other payments so that when we are ready to buy a house one day, we just have house payments without all the other bills coming. We know that this will take a couple of years but we don't mind. I want to help make that happen, because it will take two of us. This is one of the hardest decesions I have faced since I had to choose who to marry. I know that once she's old enough and in school I can go and teach and be home at the same time and we'll both be gone and home the same, but that's not yet. I am also a people person and love to be around people. I know there are play dates to plan to give me chances to talk to other moms, but I sometimes also need more than play dates. I love planning and talking to other teachers, I love teaching my students and hearing their random stories. I like that some feel safe to talk to me about life other than school. I like knowing I am helping them in someway too. I keep applying for jobs, because it is still a toss up. I figure if I get a job then there's an opportunity to discuss, I am giving myself choices. I am not saying that staying home is bad, in fact it is a noble, beautiful thing to raise the next leaders of the country. But I struggle with it. There are times I need a break from crying baby, have an adult conversation. There are times, there was nothing I could do to soothe her and we are both crying until we are exhausted and fall asleep, or until my husband comes home and gives me a break. It is truly hard but rewarding calling. In fact it is the highest calling. For all moms out there and moms to be..give yourself credit, give yourself a break. At the end of the day, we do the best that we can, whether you go to work, stay home or do both. You amaze me, for the single parents out there, You are Strong, Bold, and amazing. As I still are trying to decide I do pros for both, but as always my child comes first. It is a battle within myself. For the Stay at home moms, and work moms, how do you do it? How do juggle everything from baby to house, from baby to house to work?
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